I’ve been reflecting a lot in recent times on relationships – what I want from them, what I bring to them, the experiences I have had over the years. Today I’m focusing on friendships, and I wanted to share some of my reflections here with you guys. So have a read and let me know what you think.
Friendship is not supposed to be meeting a clone of yourself. Friendship is sharing experiences, learning from and supporting one another.
You can have different friendships serving different purposes and all of those individuals are good friends. You have the “bank vault” friend – they know your deepest darkest secrets and will never tell. There’s the friend who will listen to your woes and/or dilemmas without judgement and will, if you want it, give you solid advice (that you may or may not take depending on your level of delulu at that point in time). You have the friend who you go partying with who brings the best vibes to a night out. There’s the friend who gives the best career/investment advice, and still there’s also the friend has the best eye for things. If you’re lucky, you might meet someone who ticks all those boxes but I think we’ve been deceived by society into thinking if one friend cannot do all the things you like to do or need, they are not a proper or good friend and that simply isn’t true. Friendship is not supposed to be meeting a clone of yourself. Friendship is sharing experiences, learning from and supporting one another. Of course there are degrees of intimacy but whether the support comes in the form of makeup and shoe recommendations or how to ask for that promotion, they are still a friend.
Some friends are only meant to be in your life for a specific period, not forever.
Ten friends cannot be friends for ten years. That was the saying my dad told my sister and I when we were little and I am only just starting to appreciate the truth of that statement. Some friends are only meant to be in your life for a specific period, not forever. They could be your best friend for a period and then you grow apart. Or you move away. Or they move away. Or some other life changing event happens. Either way, for some reason, distance has come in to your relationship and it’s not always due to something negative. People grow apart. Distance lessens or weakens bonds. Children, marriage, jobs, relocation, grief, life happens. It may not be the end of the friendship per se but just that that friend doesn’t hold such a significant role in your life anymore and vice versa. And that’s OK!
It’s never too late to make new friends. You’re never too old to meet new people and make new friends. As I mentioned above, you may evolve away from your old friends and vice versa so always leave the door open for new people to come in and bless your life and for you to bless theirs. I’m so lucky to have amazing friendships, some from childhood, some from school/university and some friends I met just when I moved to Copenhagen. Not gonna lie though, it’s not easy to make new friends as an adult; it can actually be pretty hard. But I truly believe that as long as you have an open mind, an open heart and good intentions, you will attract the right people your way. Your people will gravitate towards you and likewise you will gravitate towards them.
Some friends are meant to be in your life FOREVER and when they do you dirty, you will need to find the grace and space to forgive them for their bad behaviour because you love them no matter what. No one is perfect and we’ve all done or said crazy things that should get us cut off permanently. At least I know I have. I realise how much grace my friends have shown me over the years and how I have grown as a person as a result of that. Please note that this is not me giving the greenlight to be toxic. Hell no. We all know/have those friends who get super toxic in a fight or argument. Be honest, you might be that toxic soul. Thing is, with those folks, there is a certain amount of goodwill that has been built up over time which allows the other party to show grace. But toxic folks are also always running the risk that the next argument may be the last one their toxicity will be tolerated before being cut off. So if you’re one of those toxic folks, get some help and work on yourself, rather than take advantage of your friends’ love and grace in the face of your mad behaviour.
Friends don’t gate-keep. Whether it’s a gorgeous handbag or skincare routine deets or a LinkedIn connect for a prospective job application, you should be able to count on your friends to hook you up upon reasonable request. If I ask a friend where she got something, I am expecting answers without pause, without thought, without hesitation. If you ask me to send your CV on to someone I know, it’s just to press a few keys and it’s done. Funny story, the only reason I even heard about the job I am in (which is also the reason I moved to Denmark) is because a friend sent me the job ad. TWICE. I’d never heard of the company (though I knew its brands) so I would never have even known to apply. But she knew I was looking for jobs and was like “maybe consider applying here” and the rest is history. My experience living in Copenhagen has been amplified so much from friends’ recommendations and advice so no way am I going to be the one to be gate-keeping anything from my friends.
Learn the difference between acquaintances of convenience and friends.
Learn the difference between acquaintances of convenience and friends. You can have non-sexual, non-romantic situationships masquerading as friendships. Let me explain. You move to a new country, a new city, a new company, whatever it may be. You start hanging out with people due to proximity. Some of those people will become fantastic friends. Others you will continually see simply due to proximity – friends of friends as an example. Do not confuse their proximity for friendship. I learnt this from bitter experience.
Being the friend you want others to be to you will not always yield that result and you need to accept the disappointment in that. You can call all the time, you can constantly check in, you can rush round at the sound of any tear/sniff. And when you need the same support, you may not always get it back. Not because the people don’t care, but maybe circumstances don’t allow for it. They’re in a different country, there’s no childcare solution available, there’s a pandemic, they’ve got their own crisis going on at the same time. Etc etc etc. They still love you, but you can’t expect someone to drop everything for you because you once dropped everything for them.
You don’t necessarily need a best friend. You just need friends who want the best for you.
You don’t necessarily need a best friend; you just need friends who want the best for you. Your friends should be rooting for you always and you should be doing the same for them. Friends should always celebrate their friends’ wins. No ifs or buts about it. Then again, we’re all human and sometimes envy, even jealousy can creep in from time to time especially when you see someone you love get something or achieve something you wanted for yourself. Like a friend getting pregnant whilst you may be struggling with infertility issues. Or a friend getting an awesome promotion when you’re barely hanging on in your own job. Being a true friend doesn’t mean denying your feelings and pretending they don’t exist. However, it does mean not allowing the devil to use you and pushing past your own feelings to celebrate and big up your people. And when your time comes (which it will!), your people will big you up too.
The end of a friendship can be just as painful, sometimes even worse than the end of a romantic relationship. The loss of someone who was so important and held so much space in your life can be gut-wrenching. The fact that that person is no longer available to you (maybe for very good reasons) for chats, or hangouts or just to be around takes time to heal from and you have to process all the same feelings as you would in the case of a romantic breakup; you just might not get the same level of sympathy from others as you would in the case of a romantic breakup. Annoying, but such is life.
These are just some of my reflections on friendships over the course of my life. Do you agree? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
