I’ve been very open on this blog about my wish to be in a relationship and yet, another year passes and it still eludes me. In the words of India Arie, “I am ready for love; why are you hiding from me?” This post is not meant to dump on anyone celebrating their love today. It’s not a “woe is me” post either; I’m just sharing my challenges with dating as a black woman approaching middle age and living in Copenhagen, Denmark.
I have been in Denmark for over 6 years now and have not had a long term relationship in that period. And that’s not for want of trying. It’s hard not to feel like the odds are stacked against me. Whether they are or are not is beside the point. The point is how I feel and therefore the perspective from which I am approaching dating, and everything I experience seems to confirm this perspective.
Is it my age, am I too old? Because it feels like I can’t seem to match with anyone within even a 7 year radius of my age. I seem to attract young boys who want to try out an older lady or older guys that the Yoruba in me would struggle to not call “Uncle” or “Sir” when we meet. Or it could be my ethnicity, because as a black woman living in Copenhagen, it feels like I can’t win – I never seem to match with any black guys despite my swiping efforts and the white guys I match with seem to be looking for their “chocolate” or “spicy” love. Pass! Maybe it’s because I’m not Danish and don’t speak Danish because some guys don’t want to speak English with their significant other, which is fair enough. Or the fact I am undecided about wanting kids which puts off the guys who don’t want them and/or attracts the ones that are desperate to start trying immediately.
It’s hard not to think “what’s wrong with me?”. In an effort to understand where I could be going wrong, I’m constantly reviewing my relationship expectations. For example, I wondered whether monogamy was for me or not, whether I could date someone with kids or not and whether I even want children or not. One question I have answered definitively whilst the other two remain unanswered to date. People ask me “why are you single?” which I just think is so insensitive, after all if I knew why I was single, don’t you think I would have done something about it? Or even better asking me “why don’t you have any children?”. I can’t even begin to explain how truly awful a question that is to ask a woman, even one who is undecided on the subject.
Meanwhile there are the well-meaning (usually coupled up) folks who make pretty useless suggestions like “you just need to put yourself out there” and “it’ll happen when you least expect it”. Sorry to be harsh but statements like that really drive me up the wall. Here’s why.
Responding to the first statement, I have done nothing but put myself out there. I’d describe myself as a socialised introvert and on the mission to be “out there” I’m out more than I care to be, frequenting bars when I don’t even drink alcohol. I have become a yes person saying yes to every event going just in case that event is the one where I meet The One (not that I believe in just one person for me but hopefully you can follow what I’m getting at). I have explored new hobbies, travelled far and wide, stayed smiley and in the streets, all to no avail.
For the second statement, in my experience it’s generally only bad things that happen when you least expect it. Your fridge breaks down. A pipe bursts. An unexpected tax bill. Your boiler gives up. Job redundancy. The death of a loved one. Seriously, how often does good stuff happen when you least expect it? I’m so tired of that trite phrase being used to make single people feel like they are somehow weird for thinking about wanting a relationship. If you’re unemployed and wanting a job, do you normally just hope for the best, put it out of your mind and do nothing else? No! You actively look for jobs. You put feelers out. You may ask family, friends and/or acquaintances for help. You make the most of your network. Why is dating any different? Why is there a stigma about actively trying to change your dating status?
Here in Copenhagen, most people use dating apps to meet people and this is the only place I have lived where I have really tried online dating. The challenge is that it feels to me like a constant reel of disappointment. It’s hard to stay motivated and not take stuff personally. The apps make people less thoughtful of the person on the other side. I would like to believe that most of the guys on these apps are probably decent humans that their friends and family would vouch for and yet, online they become the most toxic beings. The design of the apps encourages this toxicity. Users are encouraged to stay on the app for as long as possible, continually searching and collecting matches even if there is no real prospect of building a real connection with multiple people concurrently. Some people just do it for an ego boost and being on the apps can sometimes feel like a videogame. These apps feel less like they are trying to help users find love and more designed to keep them on the apps swiping. I feel like I’m fighting the algorithm just to be shown or seen and let’s not even talk about the filtering process (see what I wrote above about age, race etc). One app even notified me I would be taken out of “the deck” if I didn’t like enough profiles.
One big issue I have with the apps is that everybody is lying. Guys most definitely lie about their height. Even in Scandinavia where there is a stereotype that every man is a giant Viking, they are still lying. Some uncles in these streets will say they are 200cm with their full chest and I arrive to see they are barely above my shoulder. I’m 173cm btw. If it’s not their height, they’re lying about their age. Or they use misleading pictures – like not from the last decade. I know guys complain that women do this too so as I said, everybody is lying. There’s also the failure to disclose whether they have children. Some are even lying about whether they are ACTUALLY SINGLE! Everything I just mentioned I have personally experienced and it’s such a challenge not to become disillusioned. That’s precisely the person I want to avoid dating and yet I always feel on the cusp of becoming that. So much rejection and disappointment wears on a person.
I go through periods of pausing or just deleting the apps and taking recovery breaks for my sanity because really, guys are mad on these apps. Then after however long I think is an appropriate time, I go back with some fresh hope and energy but also a little despair to be back. To be fair, it’s not all bad; there are some funny aspects to returning to the apps like seeing past matches and greeting each other like long lost friends:
“Welcome back” – to the seventh circle of hell.
“Hello again” – not you again.
“You’re still here” – Father God!
“Still searching?” – no I’m here for sh*ts and giggles.
“Just thought to say hi and you’re looking well” – it should have remained a thought.
“How’s the family?” – actually I said that to someone *covers face in shame*
“Arsenal are looking quite good right?” – wait how did you know I support Arsenal? Oh yeah, I put that in a previous profile bio. God!
I see the matches I had but never spoke to or things kind of fizzled out and then want to give it another shot just in case, you know, this time it all works out. God help me.
I’m tempted to form a support group with some of these guys. Some I have never met, some I did and it just wasn’t it, but I wish them well because they are genuinely lovely but seem so jaded and I just feel like giving them a hug. Then I remember I feel jaded too and I want a hug too. And a cuddle. There’s definitely a collective fatigue with the modern dating process; we’re all in the same boat, fed up of the dating apps but what are the alternatives? You’d think that somehow we’d be able to find ourselves off the apps right? Well, as I said before, I’ve tried it but no cigar.
There’s still so much more I could say but I feel like this post has gone on long enough. I may follow up with another post with more thoughts. Let me know if that’s something you guys would be interested in reading. In the meantime, I’ll continue to swipe in search of love and companionship. Happy Valentine’s Day.
