It’s happened to every single one of us at some point. You meet someone you like and you get to talking, maybe even go on a couple of dates…and then that someone stops responding in a timely fashion and/or at some point not at all. We’ve all been there. You’ve probably done it to someone. I know I have. People like to believe this is a phenomenon of modern day dating particularly online dating but really this behaviour is as old as dating is. Ok that last statement is not a fact, but whatever, stay on topic.
Picture these two scenarios:
- Person A meets Person B and they go on a couple of dates and although Person B was really enthusiastic and keen at the start of the interaction, there is a clear dip in interest and energy after a few dates. Person A becomes the one initiating all the conversations, that incidentally don’t last very long. Then Person A waits to see if Person B will start initiating conversations again but instead *crickets*. After a period of no contact from Person B, Person A decides to reach out to Person B “just to be sure once and for all” whether there’s still a chance with Person B or if things are truly dead in the water.
- Person A meets Person B and they go on a couple of dates, after which Person A pulls back from interactions, not initiating conversations, not being very chatty in any conversations and even instigates an allergy attack on their most recent date. Nevertheless, Person B remains keen and continues reaching out to Person A to schedule another date.
Confession time – I’m Person A in both the above scenarios, which are based on true life events. I’m not proud of myself in either scenario (especially the allergy attack, which is perhaps for another post). But they did get me thinking about whether ghosting really is evil or could actually be kindness wrapped up in cowardice.
In the case of Scenario 1, there was a clear dip in interest and it shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to work out the guy had lost interest or, at the very least, decided he wanted to see what else (or more like who else) was out there. And yet, I decided to shoot my shot anyway and let him know that we should do something if and when he was up for it. I thought I was seeking clarity. Instead, I got a muddled and not particularly enthusiastic response, which only left me feeling confused and frankly a little embarrassed. I’m in no doubt that if I didn’t reach out to the guy, I would never have heard from him again. And yet, I seem to have set myself up to be potentially breadcrumbed now whilst he evaluates his options. He came back eventually suggesting a date to meet and I have no doubt that on a scale of awkward to painful, meeting up with him is likely to be excruciating. Even though I initiated “the re-connect”, I feel like kicking myself for not allowing this guy to gently ghost me instead of now potentially having to go through a mutually excruciating date “just to be sure”.
In the case of Scenario 2, I was pretty sure that I had made it very clear that I was not interested in the dude. I did the typical things that guys have done to me – not respond on time or not respond at all if I feel like the message is a “closed” message (Side note, if you send me a message saying “Hi I hope you’re well”, don’t expect a response back. I am freeing you to live in hope.). But he pressed on. To the point that I had to say I don’t want to date now because of work and travel commitments. It’s not entirely untrue because I do have work and travel commitments. The full truth, though, is that I also do want to date but just not him! I couldn’t think of a way to say that without seeming completely heartless and/or adding fluff that was just disingenuous.
Why do we feel the need for express clarity? Like why do we need the words? And when I say “we”, really I mean “me”. I thought I needed the words until I realised that I would MUCH rather someone just not respond to messages than to tell me directly “I am not interested in you” or worse feel compelled to tell me how and why they are not interested in me. Yes ghosting seems cowardly but actually do you really need someone to say “I don’t find you attractive”, or “the more I get to know you, the less I want to be with you” or “the more dates we go on, the less compatible I see we are?” Do you really need that?
In Scenario 1, I am forcing the guy to tell me he doesn’t want to date ME. I am a confident person and in principle I understand that I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me, but dude, it’s still a blow. And ghosting is a softer blow than the actual words. And to be fair, if you’ve only gone on a couple of dates with someone, why do you think they owe a statement of intent or goodbye?
Ghosting also serves as a form of self-preservation and protection. The nicest person can completely flip out if you tell him you don’t want to date him. No matter how nicely you put it:
“I think you’re amazing and such a cool person but we are not compatible.”
“I think you’re super fun but I don’t see us together.”
“It’s not you it’s me.”
Except actually it is you. I don’t want to date YOU. Some people ask follow up questions, like “why not me?” Or descend into insults – “you don’t know what you want”, “you’re the problem”, “no one wants you anyway” etc. I am not exaggerating, this has happened (if you’re female, you have probably experienced someone flip out on you when you tried to gently but clearly let them go). People can be nuts on a good day so it’s just easier and safer to simply go Casper than have to deal with a psycho whose psychosis was triggered by your need to be honest about your lack of compatibility.
Final point, ghosting should not be confused with slow dumping. That I have absolutely no time for. If you’re in a relationship or at least you’ve been exclusively dating a person, don’t be a twat. Suck it up, be a man or woman and just say it’s not working. And don’t do it by text either.
