On Monday, coming back from Christmas in London, an immigration officer at Kastrup airport asked me if I spoke Danish and then said “Velkommen Hjem”. Welcome Home. It was especially poignant given that it was 5 years almost down to the hour that I arrived in Denmark. A really sweet thing to say and I feel like that was her way of acknowledging it. But I felt (still feel) conflicted. Can I honestly call Denmark my home? I’ve been here 5 years but in so many ways, I feel like I’ve only just arrived. Perhaps we should go back to the start of my Danish adventure.
I arrived in Denmark on 2 January 2018, excited to start a new job, explore a new city and new life direction for me. I had never been to Denmark before apart from the 36 hours I spent in Aarhus for my final interview but I had high hopes and was really looking forward to this new “living abroad” chapter in my life. Aarhus is a very cute and charming city. You definitely get that cosy village vibe in all the right ways. But I quickly realised that I’m not really one for cosy village vibes. 5 months in and I knew I couldn’t stay there forever. And yet, I proceeded to buy a property there 6 months later. I think I was hoping it would make me feel more anchored to Aarhus (and by extension Denmark) but no cigar.
Being completely honest, Aarhus was a struggle for me. I had very few friends in Aarhus. My social circle consisted of fellow expats in Aarhus, all from work and was ever decreasing as people moved away because of a change of job, end of contract, or simply disillusionment with Aarhus. Additionally, no matter how I tried, I didn’t manage to make any local Danish friends. By the time I left, I was literally down to 3 friends (all of whom have left now too!). I was also tired of being one of a very tiny minority – moving to Aarhus from Lagos was already a massive culture shock, moving from one largely homogenous community to another and I won’t lie, the stares really got to me on occasion. It got exhausting trying to work out whether people’s attitudes/behaviour was due to xenophobia or just good old fashioned racism. Additionally, there was a dearth of dating opportunities – I knew I did not want to stay in Aarhus forever and I didn’t want to meet anyone who would tie me down there so I just didn’t date very much. I started and then quit learning Danish when I found it was impossible to integrate into the local community. Lastly, living in Aarhus amplified my anxiety. I’ve always dealt with social anxiety but moving to Denmark made me more self conscious, more self-critical and way more anxious. I also have become more introverted since moving to Denmark and I don’t think that will change, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
In January 2020, I finally found the balls to tell my boss that I couldn’t bear to stay in Aarhus anymore and I wanted to move. *Maybe I didn’t phrase it exactly that way though* My request was rejected out of hand. Thus began the battle to move, one in which I was close to conceding defeat when a minor world changing event happened. The pandemic. The shift to working from home and later hybrid working meant my proposed move to Copenhagen no longer seemed so outrageous. September 2020, I was out of there! Thank you ‘Rona!
Sometimes you don’t realise how much weight you are carrying until the load is lifted off you. I didn’t realise how much I had retreated into myself until I moved to Copenhagen and started meeting new people again. I’m not exaggerating when I say I was a little jaded after nearly 3 years in Aarhus. From my experience up till that point, Danish people were approachable but distant. Polite but not friendly. Helpful but not open. And yet, my first friend that I made in Copenhagen was a Dane who slid in my DMs after we met at a party. She’s one of my really good friends now. My gym is way more sociable – I have gym buddies now! My colleagues at work in Copenhagen think I’M anti-social because they always do stuff outside the office and I rarely join. How times have changed. My social network seems to be ever expanding. I promise I am not making this up. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means Miss Popular or anything close to that, but it just seems like people here are more open to meeting new people and welcoming newbies into their friendship circle.
Copenhagen being the capital city means that there is a lot more diversity in the city. It is by no means a London or a Paris but actually closer to living in Lagos where there was a large expat community in a largely racially homogenous society. People still stare from time to time but nowhere as much as in Aarhus. I no longer feel like I’m the only one in the village. Dating wise, I’m still as single as ever but at least there are more interesting prospects in Copenhagen. There are more people to meet, both locals and internationals and by extension that means more guys to meet. I am still navigating my ways through the dating cesspool though.
After 2 years in Copenhagen, especially having moved during the pandemic, I feel like I have only scratched the surface. There’s a vibe to the city that I really enjoy – it’s still got that small and cosy factor, but there’s enough to keep me interested and curious. I feel more at peace and I’m feeling a new sense of creativity, enough that I want to get back to blogging, and find more creative outlets. I’ve even started learning Danish again – in the space of one year, I’m on Module 3!
Looking back, I can see that Aarhus was not an awful place but it wasn’t home either and it’s not a personal failure to admit that. It just took a while for me to realise that. Whenever I go back to Aarhus now (every 4 to 5 weeks), I feel nostalgic being there. It’s easy to romanticise it now that I’ve left. I know where everything is. When I needed a Covid test, someone just mentioned a street to go to, and off I went; it wasn’t too far from my old flat. I still have my regular pita place that I try to stop by when I’m in town. And when I needed to dash to the shops because of an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction just before a work dinner, I knew exactly where to go. Ironically, I don’t think I could appreciate living in Copenhagen as much without having had my prior experience in Aarhus. It has made me retrospectively appreciate the time I spent in Aarhus, being able to build strong personal and professional connections in my team and within the wider context of my organisation. I love the times I go back to Aarhus now because it is so familiar to me, but most importantly because I know I am coming back to Copenhagen where my life is now. And it IS a life, one that is enriched with connection.
All in all, the last five years in Denmark have been a rollercoaster; definitely not picture perfect. I still don’t speak the language, I still struggle to fully identify with the society, I still get lonely and dating is the absolute ghetto here (maybe that should be for another article). But this cosy yet baffling kingdom has also taught me so much about myself and given me so many amazing opportunities. This is where I bought my first property. This is the longest I have been at one organisation which shows me I am capable of commitment. I have managed to establish a strong network of friends and professional connections. I have had (and continue to have) some wonderful experiences and adventures here. And I no longer dread coming back when I have travelled out of the country; in fact I look forward to it. So, I guess in some way, Denmark IS home.
For a recap of my adventures in Aarhus, click HERE. To follow my adventures in Denmark, click HERE. My experience as a black woman living in Denmark which you can read HERE.
